Heading toward the bicentennial of Abraham Lincoln's birthday,
President Bush on Sunday celebrated the nation's 16th president as a
man of steadfast convictions, honorable ideals, [and highly
recognizable facial hair].
Paul McCartney and Heather Mills returned to court on Monday in an
attempt to agree on terms for their divorce. [They finally decided it
wasn't really fair that Paul got to keep Heather's prosthetic leg.]
Coca-Cola has reported a huge fourth quarter profit of 79%.
[Management issued a thank you letter to all the company's hardworking
employees and a very special thank you to Amy Winehouse for finishing
off so many rum and cokes.]
In central England authorities are looking for a would-be copper thief
who got the shock of his life when he tried to hacksaw his way through
a live 11,000 volt power cable. [He has the same look on his face as
Hillary Clinton after the last round of primaries.]
Researchers now say that contrary to popular belief reaching 100 years
of age is easier than you would think. [Unless you forget to buy
something for Valentine's.]
Four people, including a US defense official, have been arrested for
spying for China. [One of the suspects includes the same guy who used
to steal signals for the New England Patriots.]
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